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I've always wondered what the feeling of being 'burnt out' would be like. I imagine it would be some combination of defeat and fatigue but I think reality, with its love for brutal truth, has the potential to morph it into something more devastating - a loss of hope.

Everyone has different thresholds for pain and the same could be said of persistence. Some just try harder than others. In this rat race we call life, taking a breather and slowing down is not seen as a reward for your toils, no, it is a admittance -an admittance to defeat. Admitting you can't handle the pressure. Admitting you are weaker than those around who continue moving forward. Admitting that you are not good enough. And with that resounding thought, hope starts to dwindle and your goals seem to be floating away from your grasp.

Well fuck that.
Second place is not FIRST.
Mediocrity is not a GOAL.
And sacrifice is the PRICE

You can make up a million excuses but the truth is, you gave up before you were 6 feet below the ground. Life is a gift you receive once.

"And time yet for a hundred indecisions, And for a hundred visions and revisions"

I wasn't really sure of what I wanted to write about tonight. I should really be studying but felt the need to blog in order to keep my sanity. So instead of picking a topic I thought I would just get quotes from books/literary pieces I've read over the years, more specifically, the ones that have struck a chord in my mind.

"Havermeyer was a lead bombardier who never missed. Yossarian was a lead bombardier who had been demoted because he no longer gave a damn whether he missed or not. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive."

- 'Catch 22'

"There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,...

Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea"

- 'The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock'

"The trouble is," Teddy said, "most people don't want to see things the way they are. They don't even want to stop getting born and dying all the time. They just want new bodies all the time, instead of stopping and staying with God, where it's really nice." He reflected. "I never saw such a bunch of apple-eaters,"

-'Teddy'

"If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the 'Fuck you' signs in the world. It's impossible"

-'The Catcher in the Rye'

"What are these truths that the majority flocks around?
They're the ones so ripe in age they're nearly senile. But, gentlemen, when a truth's grown that old, its gone a long way towards becoming a lie"

-'Enemy of the People'

"The bright mirror I braved: the devil in it
Loved me like my soul, my soul:
Now that I seek myself in a serpent
My smile is fatal."

- 'Cleopatra to the Asp'

Words are simply what they are called - 'words'. But put some action behind words and suddenly they have impact. They become a force. We will read many things and be lectured countless times but only when you 'walk the talk' does it ever mean anything.

Requiem for a dream

Almost another year has passed since I last posted on this blog so I thought it may be a good time for some reflection. I don't know about other people but I've often played out this weird scenario in my head in which I'd be the spectator of a conversation between the 'me' of today and the 'me' from the past- for this post's sake, let's say the 'me' from a year ago.

Now I'm 99% certain that I'm not the only person who thinks of these things but I wonder how many people would choose to be a mere spectator as opposed to actually being part of the conversation. I just think this is an interesting fact, mainly because as a person watching these two other ...'you's' talking, you'd assume you would know exactly what questions they'd ask and what answers would be given- but what if an answer surprised you? What if there was a question asked that you never thought of asking yourself? I know it sounds stupid but for argument's sake lets suppose it happens. How would you react? Would you question how well you knew yourself? Maybe you'd ignore it? Or maybe it would impact you significantly? Sometimes (excuse the cliche) I think I don't really know myself, not in the sense that I'm confused about 'me' as a person but maybe I've misinterpreted what my goals or needs are. For example, lets say you feel like you really need to be at some event because there are people there you want to socialise with- you want to be part of the 'in' crowd and maybe make some connections. BUT maybe what you really want is to be accepted by people but in this case you're probably asking the wrong people to like you, people who don't really care about who you are (please don't misinterpret that I'm seeking attention, this was JUST an example)

Maybe I'm over-thinking these kind of scenarios but I can't help but think what I'm missing out on if I misinterpreted myself (is such a thing even possible?!). Regardless though, when I look back at the year that's gone by, I can confidently say that I do so without regret. Even if I judge it with 20-20 hindsight, I can see that I've moved forward towards 'something' and I take comfort in that. I've got a lot to learn and I hope I meet more people whom I can learn from because as I once memorised for a year 12 essay: "The inner journey is the synthesis of life's experiences'".

Adios amigos.

you can't spell irrational without rational

Most people's minds work in an orderly fashion.
Decisions are made through a logical process:

1. A problem is at hand
2. You consider the facts
3. Weigh the options
4. Choose the best decision based on what is known.

This is how my mind works. Whatever decision I am making it goes through this motion to arrive at a logical conclusion. A rational process with a rational result. But what happens when you throw an irrational factor into the mix? Or what if the entire problem is irrational? Logic is rendered useless and the mind can only provide arguments for both sides of the equation but never a solution. This has been one of my biggest struggles and it continually returns to test me and more often than not, defeats my rationalisation and rubs it in the dirt.

How do you deal with it? I have no idea. More than ever I am trying to think carefully about my choices and what the consequences may be. But sometimes you have to put aside all the 'for' and 'against' arguments in order to move forward. It's sort of like investing- you know the risk profile of an asset, it may be high or it may be low but there's no such thing as a zero risk investment. In the end, if you want the return you need to take a risk. In my case, I need to stop thinking about the other factors and chase after a reward, which in the end, may not be there.

Irrationality, risk and failure. The biggest fears of a person accustomed to logical reasoning. But I need to move beyond these limits if I am ever going to have a chance of finding reward. That leaves only one question to be answered:

"Is the reward worth the risk?"

Yes. Without a doubt.

1 year and 3 months later

It's been 1 year and 3 months since my last blog- so what's happened since?

It's my final semester as a university student. Naturally you'd assume that I'd be getting drunk every week and going nuts with parties. Unfortunately I'm buried 3ft in work, trying to study for exams and complete assignments on time. If anything, I'm working harder than ever as it's my last chance to improve my 'barely above average' grades. But I'm okay with the work. I've come to understand and appreciate that nothing worthwhile ever comes easy and that genuine strength is only gained under pressure.

So far the most important lesson 2008 has taught is about the reality of living, about how hard it is to achieve your goals and that there will always be someone better than you. More importantly I've learned how things will change with the most unexpected catalysts- in my case, a change friendships. So far this year I've been rejected by dozens of employers, been the 2nd choice of one company (and accepted), served a subpoena for court, witnessed a drastic change in friendships and witnessed the aftermath of some stupid decisions. It's been a big year and for the most of it, it's been a good year. I'm continually learning new things about myself and about other people.

The biggest challenge I'm faced with right now is the question of balance. I continually ask myself "what price are you willing to pay?Your social life? your friends? your family? a relationship?". I know people have achieved their goals with balance but I wonder if I'm capable of it. I guess I'll just have to work at it and hopefully come up with an answer that won't result in social isolation (or is that the solution to this problem?).

Well that's it for tonight kids. I'll end this post like I used to in high school, with a quote.

"An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason."- C.S. Lewis

So....

Haven't really blogged in a while but I think I will actually keep this one going for my mind's sake. As the title states, this blog is owned by a walking oxymoron...if you don't know what that is, look it up in the dictionary. Onto today's post-

Lately I've been going through a lot of things- quitting work, getting a gf, sort of losing a gf (probably did lose her), doing uni exams, my mate getting married, going to Melbourne and a lot more. At the moment the thing on my mind is the girl. I don't know what's going on between us and it makes me scared. You see I'm a person who despises being vulnerable (like many other people) but the way i deal with this is by being cold. Yes i can be a very calculative bastard and that's no exaggeration. It's gotten to a point where i can't let people in anymore. Only a handful really know me, only a few have ever seen me spill my heart, mind and soul. It's good and its bad....

I'm trying to change and I'm finding it so hard after being this way for so long. Every time something gets a bit emotional or irrational, i harden up, discard sentimentality and move on. This has got to be one of the hardest things I have tried to change about myself.

Well thats all my rant for today.
Adieu for tonight.